“I’m tryna figure this shit out, but you won’t even give me a chance to.”

Excuses. Deflections. Lies. Dodges. If you’ve heard one, you’ve heard them all.

Before we had met, I’d already had the painful experience of prepping a man to be the knight and shining armor I always wanted…for another woman. I was the waiting room while his bruised heart was made new again just to send it home to be cared for by someone else. Eight precious years I’ll never get back, lessons I didn’t ask to learn the hard way, friends I should’ve listened to, and a beautiful baby boy I could never regret, later, I was right back in the presence of a man who was all-of-a-sudden confused about what he wanted.

It seemed to be crystal clear the night we met at a local nightclub. He wasn’t unsure at all when he intruded on my personal space and assumed I wanted another of whatever I was drinking. But I let him yell out to the bartender without interruption since he at least had the decency to pay for my drink instead of trying to get me to pay for his. Yes, it’s sad when such low standards are refreshing, but that’s the world we live in.

Although he wasn’t the most physically attractive, his cologne and chivalry added a few cool points to him, so I entertained his small talk. We exchanged numbers and got to know each other over the following months complete with butterflies and some amazing sex. But then it came. That dead space between getting to know each other and the realization that there’s not much more one should have to know to decide they’re done keeping their options open.

I came to the conclusion he had decided, and his options won, so I gracefully bowed out of further competition. I admit, I missed the part where I took him aside and explained why he’d no longer be hearing from me, but I’m not a fan of telling men shit they should already know. Their mother or father should’ve raised him to understand that if he got to know a woman, knew her well enough to sleep with her, but not well enough to be exclusive with her, there’s a high likelihood she will stop wasting her time. According to a call I got three days later, they omitted that part from his birds-n-the-bees talk, because he was whining and asking why I “switched up.” I told him, “I didn’t switch up. I woke up.”

Some may feel like I jumped the gun, only four months in and not giving him a chance to bullshit me by me asking, “So, what are we?” But, oh well. That’s their heart. This is mine, and I’m not leaving it out to dry in someone’s ambiguity, again.

Being with my ex taught me that ignoring red flags for that chance to be the one exception to the rule rarely ends with a happy ending. He started out in similar fashion. Pursued me in the beginning to “get to know me” but left me to pursue his claiming me.

And I did.

I was pulling teeth the entire rest of the relationship for simple shit, feeling like I had done something wrong to no longer be good enough to deserve reciprocity, and finally saving face every time I heard about how quickly his new relationship was moving along after I’d gotten enough of being on his back burner.

This new man of a few months was dejavu, and I wanted out.

He tried the whole, “I’m tryna figure some stuff out right now,” “I thought what we had was good. Why you wanna change it,” and “So you just gon’ up and ghost me? Wow…” bullshit. I hung up before he finished the last sentence, but I could already hear the guilt trips constipating in his throat on their way out of his mouth so I saved us both some stress and hung up.

I am a woman. I have a heart. I have expectations for those I allow in my life based on my goals and lessons I’ve learned. Being sure of what you want is a standard you must meet to be here, and while I’m willing to compromise on some things, I’ve paid too high a price learning that it’s not worth compromising on that.

I am not a fucking training facility, and if you can’t make up your mind, I will make it up for you.

34 comments

  1. WonderWoman says:

    Honestly, I feel your pain, as women as are naturally vulnerable and if we’re not careful we can become susceptible to anything these men will throw our way. I I’m going through that same struggle now with my husband. Over the years that we’ve been married, I’ve lost myself, and I have loved him so much that I forgot about what I needed. I’ve made excuses for him and tried my best to stick it out because of what those vows meant to me, or because I didn’t want to displease God 🙁 That’s why I stayed otherwise I would’ve left a long time ago. I’ve spent more time being a mother-like figure in his life raising him, teaching him how to love me and now I’m exhausted and I’m ready to move on because the love that I needed as a wife I never received and now I want to walk away from it all. I just can’t shake the fact that another woman may reap all of the labor that I’ve put it, smh, why must I be the clean up woman? All I’ve ever wanted was a man who knows how to love me without being told (at least the basics you should know) wtf did I get myself by into!

  2. Shay says:

    So relatable. I am not your rebound. You will not use me as an opportunity to help you get over something your not ready to get over. Someone is bound to get hurt ! Love this

  3. Nany says:

    I agree. But i think we woman sleep with a man we like and fall in love and then we hope he fall in love too. But all this happens before we even defined the relationship. Not putting the blame un us. But i think we can avoid all this by not sleeping with someone before its a committed relationship. Sex doesn’t make someone commit to you. So why give it up beforehand. Just my experience

    1. Tiphaney says:

      Well someone will commit with their mouths, tell their friends, and family about you, in fact you’re not a secret yall go out fo things ge says he loves you and all if that but still leaving his options open flirting behind your back on social media and hiding the fact that you are solid on your commitment yet he’s full out not. I was in a committed relationship for two years with a man who was keeping his options open with women who knew about me that made it clear to him they were waiting for the moment he left the door just enough open. They disrespected me at every chance they could get and he would tell me its social media stop taking it do seriously. It took us a year after meeting to sleep with each other and two years of basically living together to realize I was still a fucking option. So for some of these ruthless clowns it really doesn’t matter it’s his character and principles that make the difference. And although I waited a year before we got serious that fool played the game all that time till he got me. The lesson I learned is there are 2 types of one night stands one that ends after the first night and one that drags you till they are done with you. Lesson learned I won’t have to learn this one twice. I am a woman not a training facility! 👌🏽💯

  4. D says:

    I been a training facility before. I tried everything to get him to commit to me. Trying to help and care for a broken person only broke me in return. I now Love me more and I’ll never sacrifice that again

  5. Maggie says:

    Wow. Can’t believe that I just had to have this conversation with someone I just broke up with after seeing each other on and off for four years who was trying to convince me that “Not” being monogamous is a new concept and Marriage is forceful.
    Me: Telling someone that you’re not sure if you want to be monogamous is confusing when you tell them at the same time that you only want them.
    Him: I was only trying to point out it was a new concept is all.
    Me: Let me make a correction. I don’t want to marry you. I would never want to marry a man who’s not sure if they want only me.
    Him: Ok. I get that.
    Him: Makes sense.
    Me: Even though most claim happiness with the love every body whenever kind of attitude, I refuse to believe that they’re finding true happiness but I’m not here to judge I just know that it won’t work for me.
    Him: I get that too
    Him: So. You do miss me..maybe just a little?
    Me: Please refer back to the same question asked yesterday…the answer is still the same. (I told him that I don’t and won’t allow myself to miss him)

  6. Ocean says:

    It took me to read other girl’s painful experiences to confirm that men have this insane patterns. I could feel the biting of lip confusion, frustrations, painful realizations, anger, many days of dragging ones feet moving on and days and days and months of months of recovery and if we are unfortunate enough — compromise. While they continue the never ending search for adventure after adventures.in one corner theres us holding our broken hearts out in our hands waiting and hoping that in his return, we will be enough.

  7. Mel says:

    Love this! So relevant to me. It’s sad that some men have such potential but don’t ever live up to it. Leaving a long term relationship myself has made me oh so sensitive to the slightest red flag once I see it I’m up and ready to go too. After learning some hard lessons my tolerance for potential waiting to blossom has diminished. Don’t waste my time. If we aren’t on the same page now and I don’t see genuine effort made then bye! I have a right to my choice I been through this before. I won’t go through it again.

  8. Alicia Bontemps says:

    i’ve realized that no matter how much i may love someone, i will always need to love myself more, and this piece only solidified that. Thank you.

  9. Braveheart says:

    I told him, “I didn’t switch up. I woke up.”

    +

    the entirety of the last 2 paragraphs. = every.thing.

    you are the kind of woman i am hoping to grow into with each day. no more wasting my time.

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