I have yet to meet a dude who didn’t use Trojan Magnums, but I can assure you the long-standing myth about Black guys and big dicks is false. I learned this years ago, after being foreplayed out of my drawers, and eaten the way hungry vultures tackle roadkill. That magical mouth was connected to 6 feet and 4” of Black bearded bae-ness and one of the better sculpted, veiniest bodies on this side of the Ivory Coast. His voice was warm and commanding and dripped syrupy vulgarity that could bring Erik Killmonger under submission.

“You want this dragon?” he asked

“I do.” I whispered back.


My eyes were fixated on the way he gripped his johnson with his left palm and wiped cooch juice from his goatee with his right hand. I was eager to screw until his boxers fell to the floor, exposing the biggest set of testicles I’d seen attached to an inconsequential penis. Calling it a dick is disrespectful to the human anatomy — to my emotions as well. I was utterly shocked and thoroughly disillusioned by the puny package before me. Ole boy was proud, though. He stood at the foot of the bed, donning a Kool-Aid smile, still stroking what was visibly not there and with his teeth, he tore through the infamous gold-foiled wrapping as I braced myself for a painless mercy fuck — or so I thought.


He breathed into my ear: “turn it over for daddy.” The words were a distraction. They raised the soft hairs around my earlobe and aroused other parts of my body which made me acquiesce. He positioned my rear-end at the height of his waist, then pressed his palm down into the center of my back — basically, face-down-ass-up. I fathom it is a position of power that allows someone to see themselves dominating the person they mounted. In this case, I imagined my wide ass and hips would only depreciate that vision and magnify the teeniness of his peen. That didn’t derail him, though. He went for it anyways. I did not feel a thing — well, not in my vagina — until he clawed the meatiest portions of my love handles and slammed his groin into my bare ass-cheeks — like eight times. I know for sure because I counted them in blinks, as my forehead tapped against the headboard.


He rolled me onto my back and dived into a missionary performance that included twelve crossfit pushups and an equal amount of labored breaths. He pumped, planked, panted and perspired over my nakedness for two microwave minutes. Still, there was no coital action — just the sting of sweat burning through my left cornea.


“I know, baby. Daddy is killing that pussy, right?” He asked; clearly misreading my scrunched face and tightly squeezed eye.

I could not agree, until he hoisted my thighs above my own shoulders, and locked my ankles in a kung-fu death grip, and banged his pelvis into my hip-bone. Things got really interesting then. He slow grinded into my left thigh and humped his heart out while pulverizing my right thigh. My poor crotch beared the brunt of every one of those wild thrusts. He moaned and groaned and heaved into my collarbone each time the thwack of his body struck mine. In four minutes and thirty pumps, his ass clenched and hips convulsed. He hollered my name alongside Jesus’ and muttered something about being thankful to my mama, then emptied out his soul into a supersized latex receptacle.


The sight of a baggy condom, dangling from an embryo-sized eggplant was quite painful–as were my contused butt cheeks, my chafed inner thighs and having to squint out of one eye for an hour and a half afterward. My vagina was bulldozed by this nubbin penis and I suffered zero penetration. Not none. It was the safest sex ever. He “killed it.”


Go to the profile of Ida Harris

Ida Harris

I be writing. I’m aiight with standard English, but poetic with Black Vernacular. I’mma dope dealer, too.

Read Next: Leaving During “Thick & Thin” Saved My LIfe


  1. Gigi says:

    LMAO! Ladies you have to start asking to see what the man is working with before you sign up! While hanging out and playing around in the house need to see it if it’s too small you fall back while dating before sex takes place!

  2. Kiwinani says:

    This story made me laugh, cry and laugh again. Unfortunately I spent years in a relationship then conceiving a child with this type of Dick. I loved him for who I thought he was but he couldn’t see that. Now I’m looking for BIG with skills.

  3. N. H. says:

    How about losing your virginity to something like that and not knowing any better?! And NO oral ever 🙋🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ Yeah! Dated him for WAY too long! But I’ve had quite a few make up for it since 😆

    1. Sarrah D says:

      I’m waiting till my honey moon and this just scared the living shit out of me!!! I’ll just start crying right then and there!

  4. Briannimal says:

    Unfortunately, I know this man. Well… maybe not the exact same disabled fellow but sadly one with that same baby carrotesque growth sitting atop of his sack.

  5. Gerri says:

    LMAO!!!!!!🤣🤣🤣🤣 But on a serious note, what are you supposed to in that moment??? Laugh, cry, fake it????🤣🤣🤣🤣

  6. Gaby says:

    This was THEE FUNNIEST STUFF IVE READ!!!!!! Lmao it’s so liberating to know I haven’t been the only one who got swindled 😂😂😂

  7. Julia says:

    Aside from the brilliantly written and humourously detailed anecdote,
    the well placed pics and facial expressions of the women had me dyiiiiiiinnnnngggg….
    I’ve been through an episode like that too🙈🙈 and he was soooo proud of his Vienna sausage🙄
    I ain’t doing that again tho…

  8. Jai says:

    I can so relate to this. I’m still laughing from that traumatizing moment of, please leave no thanks. Someone is playing a joke on me.

  9. LeRose says:

    Enjoyed every word of this. I think this a experience a lot of us have had and can say once is enough!!! Had me feeling like I wasted fresh bed sheets for nothing!

  10. Tenea S. says:

    Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU. I truly believed, that “I WAS THE ONLY ONE.” I feel sooooooo much better. 😂😂😂😂

  11. Angie H. says:

    I died when she said two microwave minutes!! Been there and done that. It’s a shame when they are so tall, fine, and mmmmm mmmm good, then the package is small and terrible. But men are delusional that the sex is terrible. They can’t think what they are doing is good. So many women must have faked it, that he thinks his sex game is amazing.

  12. Lisa says:

    Lmfao!! Omg this had me cracking up. Been there. Had a guy have me dripping through the phone but made a comment about he wondered why his penis never grew like other guys. I honestly thought he was joking……NOT!! I wanted to cry but he made up for it with his head game. Still some guys really are clueless but we as women have to stop letting think they are masters at sex and show them what we like. I’ve only been with one guy who from day one knocked it out the park with oral and penetration. 20 years later he’s still doing things that make me quiver just thinking about it.

  13. Laurrycha Poindexter says:

    I can not stop laughing. I have been apart of this me to movement. Smdh. They always leave thinking they did something.

  14. Synjewel says:

    This was the funniest and yet saddest shit I ever read. I have to say I never experienced a small penis. Thank the Lordt. I know that being emotionally unattached can leave you feeling the same way described above.

  15. Lineeca Smith says:

    Been there….but i no longer put my body through the ‘drama’ if you drop em and nothing is there?? Im letting you know. Im not the one to rub your ego. Sorry.

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