I would tell you not to judge me, but I’m probably too late. So here goes.
I was single for two and half years and went without sex for the last 732 of those days — and yes, I kept count. At age 29, I had no baby daddy drama and a bank account that was nice cushion between me and broke. I considered myself quite the catch and wanted to hold out on giving anyone any part of me until I knew it was right.
So when I met a man whose mind was as beautiful as his physique — and astonishingly in this day in age — emotionally available, I gladly nestled my way into his large, strong arms and let him catch me. But it wasn’t long before I slipped between those fingers and landed face-first onto the floor in shock at the revelation that he “used to be gay.”
I’d only heard of this concept once before when the guy who was delivert went viral; and I can’t say I’m completely sold that he un-gay. Anyway, this initially struck me as a deal breaker that would send me right back to my single status, marking off more days from my calendar Sharpie pen. I don’t think I’m homophobic — at least I hope I’m not, but I’m not sure I would ever feel like I’m enough for a man who even partly wants something I was never designed to provide.
Then he gave me context which changed everything for me. For several years in his childhood, he was molested by an elder in his family which caused him to be emotionally lost in his late teens. In that time, he romantically dealt with other men genuinely believing that’s what he wanted or maybe even needed, when really he was clinging to what was most familiar to him –the type that had been forced on him as a young boy. But after getting therapy and healing those wounds caused by his sexual abuse, he no longer operated from that place of trauma and never felt attracted or drawn romantically to men again.
He’s gone 12 years without homosexual engagement, until the point he and I were at this intersection: my reckoning with his past or heading for the hills.
More than being turned off or disappointed, I was hurting for him — for what he went through and how hard it must be carrying himself in this world that is so one-dimensional about manhood, and that something completely out of his control would be able to compromise it in the eyes of those he came across. I couldn’t hold his past brokenness against him any more than I’d want someone to hold mine against me, and homosexuality didn’t make his any less acceptable.
At the end of the day, he was once a version of himself that doesn’t represent who he is now, and on some level that applies to us all unless you haven’t grown in life. So with that understanding and the fact it’s going to take more than that for me to pass up on an amazing man, I decided to stay.
Sent by: Anonymous Voiceful Reader